Boundaries and Strings

I am very big on personal boundaries, because I have lost them all at one point. I know how horrible it is to lose yourself, and solid personal boundaries are the best defense against conscious / intentional and subconscious / unintentional manipulation.

I have been told by several different people at different times in my life that I am weirdly tolerant and intolerant at the very same time. The apparent paradox is simple: I am very tolerant about what other people do with their own lives, as long as it does not impinge on mine. I am very wary of interpersonal manipulation, however, and will shut down anything that starts pinging too loudly on my manipulation radar. (Ergo, intolerant.)

One of the more subtle forms of manipulation are the subconscious strings that many people attach to their interactions with others. It is hard to truly describe, because it is such a subtle shift from normal (and healthy) social interchange.

Even so, when someone begins "banking" the favors they are doing for you... keeping a tally of the "good" or "nice" things they are doing, whether those things were asked for or not, then there is a problem.

We do need to appreciate what others do for us. But appreciation does not mean that those favors given makes crossing personal boundaries acceptable. Appreciation does not make "guilting" or "you owe me" attitudes acceptable.

You can appreciate another person and maintain your personal boundaries at the same time. It may take some practice and the other person involved may not understand (and therefore have hurt feelings because) you are protecting yourself, but it is do-able. More than that, it is really the only way to maintain your own healthy self-hood.