The Need for Hope

I do my best thinking when I lay down for bed. The other night I found myself thinking about hope and how we all need it. I thought about how some folk have disdainfully comment about "irrational hopes" and look down their noses at those who acknowledge they have hope.

The hope may be financial, spiritual, regarding health, or in any number of other areas. The area is less important than having the hope itself.

When we don't have hope, we cease to function healthily. We can literally (in certain circumstances) "hopelessness" ourselves to death.

Depression is often a nasty result of losing one's hope. We sink further and further into a morass that can see no end to pain and suffering...no change for the better sometime in the future.

Having hope helps us endure. Hope can give us motivation. Hope can inspire us, and with hope, we can see that positive changes are possible. To paraphrase, "Keep the hope, baby!"

Dualing Personalities

No, you don't have to tell me about the spelling...this was a deliberate play on words. I really do mean "dualing". You may know exactly what I mean, once I've explained it. You may do it, too!

Have you ever noticed yourself dealing with a serious personal want, or even need, and yet you can't quite accept it when you get it fulfilled? Let me give you an example.... the person who wishes for recognition, but doesn't accept the recognition they get....the person who wants to be good-looking, but won't accept the evidence in the mirror that they are already looking good...the person who wants to excel at a sport, but doesn't remember the ten goals they got in a game, only the missed shots.

All these people have a desire for how they want to be seen or how they want to see themselves. Yet, when they reach the apparent goal of that desire it doesn't seem to register. There is a duality in wanting and yet not accepting the fulfillment of that want.

Sometimes...ok, possibly a lot of the time... we get in our own way, without even knowing it. If you find that you have a "dualing" want, dig around inside yourself and ask why you can't accept the thing you desire. What is standing in your way?

Bitterness -- A Choice

The other night, I was faced with several problems all coming up all at once. I felt overwhelmed by it all. I wanted to run away -- but couldn't. As I tried to deal with my feelings of anger and resentment, I suddenly could see I had the choice to become bitter about it all...It was as if I stood on a hilltop and looked out over what could be...and what I could become.

It was a sobering experience...and one that really got me thinking.

Bitterness is a choice. A lot of folk don't seem to realize that, but it is. We can either choose to allow disappointment and frustration merge with anger, or.... We can analyze why we are disappointed, frustrated, or angry. Once we know and understand the root reason(s), we can come up with options.

An important point here is that there isn't always something you can do about the things that are stressing you. Sometimes the best options are one of adapting our outlook, our expectations, how we reward ourselves (as in, how we make ourselves feel better...not necessarily a tangible reward at all), and --- probably most important of all --- our attitudes.

Something else in this that I've noticed.... People who choose bitterness, well, they are also choosing a victim's stance. The external world is beyond their control (they feel), and therefore nothing they do will help them in any way or to any degree whatsoever.

People who choose not to move into bitterness, however, are choosing a survivor's stance. Because the way to overcome the temptation into bitterness is to begin working the problem.... Problem-solving is very definitely both a way to feel better (about yourself and the world) and very much a part of a survivor's ability to maintain mental resiliency.

As for me...well, the problems aren't all sorted out, and a few more got dumped on my plate yesterday. But I've chosen to bolster my attitude of acceptance, my desire to help others, and use all this to hone my problem-solving skills. And that makes me smile once again!

Forced on Vacation

Well, I was visibly reaching my limits. My family put their collective foot down last week and sent me on a mini-vacation over the weekend. *ahhhh* It really was a very-much needed rest.

I spent nearly all my time just sitting outside listening to the wind in trees, watching cloud shadows, and enjoying the birds and small wildlife around Sleep Creek Mountain Inn. Oh, interspersed with happy bouts of voracious reading. Two books in two days. *happy grinning sigh* Just the way I like it!

My Story: Cess' First Big Move

Recap: I was asked to write to a fellow I'll be referring to as Cess Pool by my grandmother. The reason was that he was in prison and had asked her to help him find Christian pen-pals. Cess and I began corresponding.

After a couple of months, Cess and I were writing at least once a week, but usually two to three times a week. Then came a shocker...he sent me a photo of himself --- handsome, bright smile --- and he asked me if I would ever consider him as a boyfriend.

Mentally and emotionally I came to a dead stop. I had not dated in high school or college... I'd always felt out of step with my classmates in high school and although I'm naturally friendly, I'm also very comfortable being by myself. In college, I had a bunch of friends but was more focused on studio work. This "offer" floored me.

I hadn't seen it coming, I'd been isolated to the house by my arthritis for nearly two years, and I wasn't adept at "dating games" anyway. Cess had assessed my vulnerabilities and hit me just where I was most vulnerable.

Not that I knew it at the time....

I showed the letter to my mom and asked her opinion. She was thrilled. I think she was happy to see a "Christian" man taking a romantic interest in her tomboyish and in-pain daughter. We agreed that I should pray about it before making a decision, though.

I was doing well enough that I was able to walk down the road a bit, toward the places I had always found refuge, peace, and spiritual connection before. I wasn't able to get to them (as they were in the woods surrounding the road), but just being outside and having the trees to either side of me was wonderful after so long inside.

I prayed that God would guide me, then listened. I tried to let everything empty out of myself, but found that hard to do with a sense of burgeoning excitement that someone had found me --- ugly duckling me! --- attractive.

I tried again to get my emotions to tamp down, but they only clamored more. It increasingly felt right. After about an hour, I had reached a decision to tell Cess I was interested, but that we still needed to know each other better.

Cess' first big play had been successful.

Whew! A Long Time Away

Well, sorry for the hiatus! I was ill much of January, and then February saw me spending 2+ weeks in the hospital. *Blech!!* I'm home and nearly recovered, but have had to significantly change my work habits.

With a host of other health problems, I also have lymph edema in both legs. This time, it was the edema in my right leg that was my weakest health link and that blew apart. Trying to catch back up without overdoing it again has been....interesting. ;-)

My leg near the beginning of lymph edema flare. The leg is about three times its normal size and you can see the fluid running down and off my foot --- lymph fluid being squeezed out of breaks in the over-stretched skin. The blister is also filled with lymph fluid. Before the ER doc deflated it and removed the dead skin, the blister was the size of half of a softball. Many other blisters showed up later, and I lost about 1/2 the skin on the front of my shin and some off the back.

I'm doing okay so far, although some stuff is hard to get used to. Like writing in the living room, so I can keep my legs elevated. BUT... this morning I opened the door to my studio for the first time since going to the hospital. Just the smell is enough to make me smile. That lovely earthy smell of clay!

I'll try to get back and post more today, but if not.... Have a good one, everyone!!

Loss of Autonomy Looming

I was just over at my friend Barbara Roleck's blog and read her post on Romania's soon-to-be-implemented "Fat Tax."

Charlie Zegers touched on a rather serious problem, as far as I'm concerned. Although many people talked about the effects of diabetes and obesity on individuals and on the economy, Charlie's comment about a "nanny-state" got me thinking. And throwing my two-cent's worth in.

At what point do we abdicate our entire lives and ability to make choices to a government that takes over? At what cost is this to us on spiritual, mental, societal, and cultural levels?

When we get into a habit of delegating decision making to others... be it a church, a business, a martial arts class, or a government...we are building a state of being that can easily result in the loss of all our autonomous thought and action.

No folks, I am not overreacting. I've been there. It is not a good place to be.